He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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