Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Its about making memories worth repressing
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
