Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
