You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
