god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Randomize
