3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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