I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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