god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize