She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
