I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
