Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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