It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
