My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
