i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
