Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
