So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
