Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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