listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
