Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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