Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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