Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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