sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
