you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
