Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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