11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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