living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
