Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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