I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
