wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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