Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
