I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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