Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
