You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize