he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
