My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
