he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I can't turn off my feet"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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