I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
