remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
