i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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