we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
BRING THE BAGELS
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
