two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
