I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
