you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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