I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
