I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
