Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize