The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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