apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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