That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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