he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
