Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
