oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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