Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think i have two assholes
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
