The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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