the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
