At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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