but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
