she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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