3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
