Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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