There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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